Bruce Jenkins Wants To Know Why You Drive On A Parkway And Park In A Driveway

Bruce Jenkins, San Francisco Chronicle:

It won't be long before we get the first wave of nonsense from stat-crazed dunces claiming there's nothing to be learned from a batting average, won-loss record or RBI total. Listen, just go back to bed, OK? Strip down to those fourth-day undies, head downstairs (to "your mother's basement and your mother's computer," as Chipper Jones so aptly describes it) and churn out some more crap. For more than a century, .220 meant something. So did .278, .301, .350, an 18-4 record, or 118 RBIs. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of nonathletes are trying to reinvent the game?

I know you'll need a minute or two to digest that before we continue with the rest of this post.

I understand. Take your time. (By the way, hat (guy?) tip to SoSH.)

























Okay? Amazing, isn't it?

Grant Brisbee of McCovey Chronicles was equally impressed:

I look forward to his next column, in which he absolutely skewers police officers for liking donuts. Don't get him started on airplane peanuts. ...

My favorite part was when the guy who called out "stat-crazed dunces" ended his rant by holding hands with his favorite stats. ...

The best way to mock this, though, would be a good dose of flattery-by-imitation. Here's the template:

For (some extended period of time), (this outdated stuff) meant something. So did (other outdated stuff). Now it all means nothing because a bunch of (pejorative) are trying to reinvent the (subject)?

Such as...

For several centuries, boiling lead meant something. So did trebuchets, mangonels, and battering rams. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of gunpowder fetishists are trying to reinvent the rules of modern combat?

See? Fun. Have at it.

And they do ...:

For eons now, throwing our feces out of our windows and into the street meant something. So did walking through those feces on our way to the apothecary. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of civil engineers are trying to reinvent the sewage system?

For centuries, snake oil meant something. So did trepanning, the four humors, and leeches. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of lab-coated microscope-squinters are trying to reinvent medicine?

For every year in human history up until the point where I started feeling old and confused and underappreciated, all the ways that we did some things meant something. So did all the ways that we did all the other things. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of people who are younger than me are trying to reinvent the ways we do things?

For 1000's of years, assuming celestial bodies were Gods meant something. So did thinking the earth was flat. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of penis-faced scientists are trying to reinvent astrology?

For decades, slavery meant something. So did the subjugation of women. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of hippies are trying to reinvent civil rights?

For many millenia, crawling around on all fours meant something. So did slithering, oozing, flopping, writhing, and squirming. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of bipedal baboon-babies are trying to reinvent the concept of effecient movement?

And, from marcello:

I was certain he had written the following before:

For more than a century, .220 meant something. So did .278, .301, .350, an 18-4 record, or 118 RBIs. Now it all means nothing because a bunch of nonathletes are trying to reinvent the game?

Using my mother’s computer wizardry, I found out I was right (ironic title is ironic):

But no matter how modern-day statisticians try to downplay traditional numbers, there’s a volume of meaning in .178, .230, .289 and .337, at least when based over a long period of time. That’s a wonderful little taste of truth.

So not only is he an idiot, not only has he learned nothing about the game of baseball in almost 6 years, he’s also just recycling material.

Oh, man, that older article is also pure gold:

"Interesting team. They've got one guy leading the league in WHIP and another in VORP."

For heaven's sake, speak English. This is the new cool trend in baseball, quoting esoteric statistics as if they've been part of the game's fabric for 50 years. Go ahead, disappear into a basement somewhere and play around with numbers. Be sure to remember HEEP, SKANK and VLZSKS, while you're at it. We'll be out in the sun, discussing a little thing we like to call "runs batted in."

Hey, Bruce, let me introduce you to someone. Maybe you've heard of him. Branch Rickey? Did some stuff awhile back, led to some pretty big changes in the game, actually. Couldn't speak a damn bit of English, though.

Finally, I'll leave you with several slices of heaven from FJM.