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April 28, 2011

Ortiz Terrified After Hearing About Red Sox Bats Coming Alive

If the bats are suddenly alive, we better get out of here before they start swinging really hard at us. I don't want to be hit with wood. I hope that, if they come alive, they swing and miss like I do. ...

The way we treat the bats, they will probably be mad at us. My job is to hit the bat against the ball sometimes. The bats might be extra mad at me. But I didn't mean to hurt any bats. I'm sorry, bats. Please don't kill me. I never wanted the bats to be in pain. ...

Maybe balls don't like to be thrown really fast. Or hit far away into stands filled with people they don't know. And I hate having to catch balls, so I think, wouldn't a mitt hate that, too? And hats — would you want someone putting their head inside of you?
Example
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9 comments:

  1. johngoldfineApril 28, 2011 at 9:40 AM

    Your excerpt is amusing, but the Onion piece I think is overdone, especially since this really has no connection with anything in Papi's personality or history. Or does it--am I missing something? Is Papi known for taking everything literally?

    Would the piece be as funny, if the same mistake was assigned to Drew or Tek or Lackey? Maybe humor-impaired today....

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  2. PatrickApril 28, 2011 at 10:04 AM

    That reminds me of the 'Bring your cat to Fenway' promotion my friend has been crossing her fingers for.

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  3. laura kApril 28, 2011 at 10:11 AM

    John, I'd be curious to know in what way you think the Onion piece is overdone.

    Unless I'm mistaken, there is no connection between "Take Your Daughter to War Day" and David Ortiz.

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  4. laura kApril 28, 2011 at 10:12 AM

    Oh wait, you probably meant the live-bat Onion piece, not the war piece. In which case, never mind!

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  5. allanApril 28, 2011 at 11:22 AM

    but the Onion piece I think is overdone

    Every single Onion article goes on for too long (except for the short caption-type things like this). I almost never get to the end of them, even the ones I find extremely clever/funny.

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  6. FenFanApril 28, 2011 at 11:45 AM

    Ah, the Onion!

    So should the Bring Your Daughter To War day be coupled with the Dog Tag promotion at Petco Park?

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  7. johngoldfineApril 28, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Laura--

    Live bat was not so funny to me (and there's no disputing taste.) It did seem to go on and on, and the permutations, funny in themselves, kept making me think, 'Are they making fun of Papi--but what does this have to do with him, his foibles and quirks?'

    'Take your daughter to war' headline was very funny, but, god knows, not in a LOL way. Is there some kind of funny you recognize with a sinking heart, a flush of anger, and a prickle of hair rising on your neck? That kind of funny.

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  8. allanApril 28, 2011 at 2:10 PM

    Based on past articles mentioning the Red Sox* and making fun of Jeter (and other Yankees), there are at least a couple of serious Boston fans at the Onion.

    * - Who else but a Sox fan would write this?

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  9. laura kApril 28, 2011 at 3:57 PM

    JGF, like I said, I was only looking at the Daughters/War piece, hadn't even glanced at the Ortiz/bat piece when I wrote that.

    I almost always find The Onion very funny, but I never read whole articles and rarely make it to the end of a video. I have a very short attention span when it comes to humour.

    I definitely agree the daughters/war vid is not LOL funny. Just excellent and necessary.

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