April 9, 2018

Brad Brach's Ways Are Higher Than Our Ways And His Thoughts Than Our Thoughts

Watching the bottom of the 12th inning of Sunday's Orioles/Yankees game unfold was making me angry. Baltimore reliever Brad Brach walked the first two New York batters and then committed an error on a bunt. For this meltdown, I cursed him and his family and several subsequent generations.

However, I was wrong. My anger was misplaced. My puny human mind could not possibly comprehend what Brad Brach was doing.

What I didn't realize then - but now know, down to the core of my soul - is that Brad Brach is a fucking supernatural ninja. He is an unstoppable force of nature. Indeed, he may be Nature itself. Brad Brach is kicking ass at 3-dimensional chess while the rest of us are clueless about how to take the top of the box of Checkers.

Brad Brach was purposefully engineering a scenario in which thousands and thousands of Yankee fans would become extremely excited and believe their team's victory was imminent (nay, that they were entitled to a victory). And then Brad Brach would decimate every last one of those hopes by summarily vanquishing the Yankees' two supposed pillars of offensive might.

Brad Brach could have made Judge hit into a triple play. But he did not. Brad Brach also sought to have Stanton fail and have that failure conclude the game in a horrifically depressing manner for all Yankee fans. And so he did, controlling the cosmos as purposefully as any act of Almighty God (who I am given to understand has a poster of Brad Brach on His wall). And we saw that it was good.

Brad Brach would perhaps prefer I not call attention to his plan and purpose. I have no wish to displease Brad Brach, as I am fearful of the power he possesses. However, I feel duty bound to bear witness.

4 comments:

FenFan said...

All hail Brad Brach; he plays the universe like a marionette!

laura k said...

This is very amusing.

allan said...

The Orioles' 12th-inning DP was the FIRST 1-2-5 DP in Orioles history!

paul hickman said...

Let us hope that Brad Brach ( Lord Bra Bra ? ) continues to use his Powers in the appropriate fashion !