August 23, 2019

The Dullness Of Nickname Weekend Makes Me Sad

Nostalgia is little more than history gone rancid, but it sure seems like baseball nicknames were better in the "good old days". It's Nickname Weekend throughout major league baseball and my only thought is: Can these guys really do no better than this???

Even worse ... the uniforms will be in black and white! A statement from MLB claims that these "fashionable monochromatic uniforms" are "inspired by players' style choices when they are away from the field". ... Uh-huh.

Every team's roster is plagued by a near-total lack of creativity. ... David Price really should have gone with "YUCK", but from where I sit, he has no sense of humour.

Xander Bogaerts - X-MAN (X in 2017)
Jackie Bradley Jr. - JBJ
Brock Holt - BH
Brian Johnson - BJ

Shortening Of Last Name (Or A Slight Variation)
Andrew Cashner - CASH
Marcus Walden - WALDO
Ryan Weber - WEB
Brandon Workman - WORK

Adding "Y" To The End Of Last Name (Or A Shortened Version Thereof)
Matt Barnes - BARNESY
Andrew Benintendi - BENNY
Dustin Pedroia - PEDEY

First Name Instead Of Last Name
Mookie Betts - MOOKIE (Not his birth name, but not really a 'nickname' either)

Name Of Son
Sandy León - NOAH ("I don't have a nickname, so I figured my son's name is perfect")
David Price - X (Xavier; Roman numerial 10)

No Goddamn Change At All
Darwinzon Hernandez - HERNANDEZ
Rick Porcello - PORCELLO
Steve Pearce - PEARCE
Josh Taylor - TAYLOR

An Embarrassment
Alex Cora - SKIPPER

Wait! Actual, Real Nicknames!
Michael Chavis - CHIEF (From his father's Cherokee heritage; now prefers Ice Horse.)
Rafael Devers - CARITA (Baby Face)
Nathan Eovaldi - NITRO (A reference to his fastball, from his high school coach.)
Heath Hembree - HEATER (Another fastball reference, probably.)
J.D. Martinez - FLACO (Skinny, a nickname he got when he was 12 ("I was a twig").)
Mitch Moreland - 2-BAGS (From Red Sox fans on Twitter. "I like it ... there could be a lot worse.")
Eduardo Rodriguez - EL GUALO (Rodriguez has not explained this one for a few years.)
Chris Sale - THE CONDUCTOR (Courtesy of Pedroia: "What does a conductor do? Punches tickets.")
Sam Travis - DR. CHILL (Travis uses the word 'chill' a lot, according to minor league teammate Danny Mars.)
Christian Vázquez - COLO (SNCV claims it means "winter ball" (I am skeptical); says it's "a coleopterous, tetramerous, curculionid insect of South America". Any one of those three adjectives would look cool on the back of a uniform.)

2018: Barnes/Barnacles, Holt/Brockstar, Bogaerts/Bodie, Porcello/Ventidos, Pearce/Late Lightning, Price/Slim Dunkin. ... 2017: Pedroia/Laser Show, Sale/Stickman, Price/Astro's Dad.

The glory days of nicknames at JoS was long ago, but we have Einstein, Fuck Yeah, SNCV, and Mushroom.


Nick Sincere said...

I would love to see "Teets" on the back of Francona's jersey.

FenFan said...

Nickname Weekend should be called what it is: a shameless merchandising opportunity for MLB to rake in some extra cash from fans. In my opinion (one shared by many, it appears), the uniforms look horrid and, to your point, some of these nicknames are void of imagination.

Nicknames like Carita and 2-Bags are meaningful (Mrs. FenFan translated Devers for me when I wondered out loud what it meant), but there was a time when players didn't even have NUMBERS, let alone names, on the backs of the uniforms, and fans turned out in droves to watch them play. If I'm only tuning in to see what names players have given THEMSELVES, then MLB has bigger issues.

allan said...

If I'm only tuning in to see what names players have given THEMSELVES, then MLB has bigger issues.

No need to watch the games: nicknames for all teams were announced back on August 6!

(I'd like to know the NSFW nicknames that many players must have.)