Taylor Buchholz hasn't thrown a baseball for nine months, since Phillies pinch-hitter Domonic Brown lined a single off him in the eighth inning of a Mets victory at Citi Field last May 29. ... It finished his season, and maybe his career - not because of one bad day at the office, but because of an accrued pain brought on by an illness as real as the hollowness Buchholz felt inside - one that sent him on a downward spiral that robbed him of joy, motivation, energy, life.
The diagnosis was anxiety disorder and depression, and it first came in 2010. Buchholz just knew it as a living hell, and wondered what on earth was wrong with him. Why would he sleep for 12 hours, then want to go back to bed? Go get a bite to eat, and then want to sleep some more? His muscles were always clenched, his mind ever churning, and what was going on with his work ethic, long one of his hallmarks? ...
Food didn't taste good. Music didn't sound good. Nothing was pleasurable. If friends called, he would duck them. He withdrew, he hid, avoided eye contact. Buchholz knew he was sick, but scolded himself to toughen up, get over it. "You should be stronger than this," the voice in his head kept saying. ...
The descent continued, Buchholz feeling as if his whole world were a pit of quicksand.
"If I got guys out, I thought I was lucky," he says. "I'd look at the stat sheet and say, 'I'm a fake. They're going to figure me out at some point.'"
March 2, 2012
Taylor Buchholz And Depression
Wayne Coffey, Daily News, February 25, 2012:
by allan at 11:18 PM