June 30, 2018

Grantland Rice Never Wrote A Baseball Article Like This

First, the headline:

Let's Use Reason to Deduce When Archie Bradley Pooped Himself

Meg Rowley refers to an anecdote told earlier this week by Diamondbacks reliever Archie Bradley, in which he admitted he has to urinate just before he leaves the bullpen to pitch in a game:
So I run in our bathroom real quick, I'm ready to go. I'm trying to pee and I actually [expletive] my pants. Like right before I'm about to go in the game, I pooped my pants. ... I'm scrambling to clean myself up ... button my pants ... It was the most uncomfortable I've ever been on the mound.
Rowley realized immediately that despite the story's level of detail, Bradley "never specifically told us when this incident occurred". She could have simply called the Diamondbacks and spoken directly to Bradley, but instead she began her own investigation because she "loves mysteries". And then she wrote 1,635 words about it.

She notes the various clues in the interview -- "despite his plight, he threw a 'clean inning'" -- and she examines Bradley's stats. She soon finds the game and looks at the broadcast footage. She uses a stopwatch to calculate how much time Bradley would have had to "clean up". She tries to identify "subtle signs of discomfort and masked embarrassment". She describes Bradley's in-game actions, including a "little poop-shimmy shift on the mound, as he wonders whether moving stuff around might improve things. It will not."

Bradley, on Twitter:


allan said...

I would be remiss if I did not point you toward the infamous George Brett clip.

Deadspin: "Brett goes into great detail ... [following] the poor guy across the field so that he can finish his story. At one point Brett says proudly: 'I'm good twice a year for that. When's the last time you shit your pants?'"

allan said...

Bradley: "If you've gone through your life and you haven't pooped your pants on accident at some point, you're in the rarest, most exclusive club ever, or you're just flat out lying."