Grantland Rice Never Wrote A Baseball Article Like This

First, the headline:

Let's Use Reason to Deduce When Archie Bradley Pooped Himself

Meg Rowley refers to an anecdote told earlier this week by Diamondbacks reliever Archie Bradley, in which he admitted he has to urinate just before he leaves the bullpen to pitch in a game:

So I run in our bathroom real quick, I'm ready to go. I'm trying to pee and I actually [expletive] my pants. Like right before I'm about to go in the game, I pooped my pants. ... I'm scrambling to clean myself up ... button my pants ... It was the most uncomfortable I've ever been on the mound.

Rowley realized immediately that despite the story's level of detail, Bradley "never specifically told us when this incident occurred". She could have simply called the Diamondbacks and spoken directly to Bradley, but instead she began her own investigation because she "loves mysteries". And then she wrote 1,635 words about it.

She notes the various clues in the interview -- "despite his plight, he threw a 'clean inning'" -- and she examines Bradley's stats. She soon finds the game and looks at the broadcast footage. She uses a stopwatch to calculate how much time Bradley would have had to "clean up". She tries to identify "subtle signs of discomfort and masked embarrassment". She describes Bradley's in-game actions, including a "little poop-shimmy shift on the mound, as he wonders whether moving stuff around might improve things. It will not."

Bradley, on Twitter: