Controversial Sabermetrician Posits That There Is No Such Thing As Baseball

Shocking.

Saying that there are no pitchers, fielders, or batters, only numbers and statistics, radical sabermetrician Kyle Osterman theorized Wednesday that there is no such thing as baseball.

"Some say people wear gloves. Do they? Why? There is no ball. There is only the curvilinear progression of the ball," said Osterman, who later broke down Bill Mazeroski's World Series–winning home run into nothing more than a combination of likelihood estimates that are systematically null and void because, as Osterman said, "There really was no such thing as Bill Mazeroski."

"Everything that happens on the field is part of a predetermined numbers matrix. Every final outcome is fixed, so ultimately, there can be no game."

Osterman then cracked open a beer and proceeded to watch the Red Sox play the Tampa Bay Rays on ESPN.